Pretty Much Lost

When you live in the moment, savouring everything in the now, living life by the day, intensely, passionately, you stand the risk of becoming really short-sighted about the actual length and breadth of life, isn't it?

I'm not advocating astute foresight, clairvoyance or being always anal about planning ahead. I'm just wondering if our devoted inclinations towards acts of impulse, our tendency to want a quick high out of short-term experiences, and our perennial need to benefit from any situation quickly, is eventually going to turn us into self-destructive, thoughtless, hedonistic automatons. Is that not an insult to the significance in being alive? And worse, by forgetting, or simply not trying, to find meaning, truth, and real happiness in life, are we letting ourselves degenerate into something less human, even?

Previously, when I had more time to ponder over my future and develop a vision of my long-term goals, I became overwrought about how difficult it would be to realise my dreams, and therefore lapsed into a rather devious, vicious cycle of compromise - one could certainly see it as self-defeatism, pessimism, cowardice, procrastination, plus a lack of drive and motivation to get down to it. I was just not willing to throw all else out the window and sacrifice it all, maximising suffering to achieve results which will always be clouded with uncertainty. I could not devote myself to my own cause.

I cannot devote myself to my own cause.

Is this a rather extreme state of low self-esteem, with self-destructive tendencies heaped on for good measure, or an enlightened state of consciousness where I know selflessness is the key to real happiness? Or is this a rather warped state of self-absorption, really?

Presently, my work possesses me, and it seems that I have found some kind of wholesome fulfillment in this whole experience (my greatest fear is that it may not last very long before some tragedy befalls me and it all has to end) which is strongly nudging me to alter myself to better myself. All of a sudden it seems imperative for me to solve my own greatest problem - myself.

So I need to set new personal goals, which, though not completely incongruent to those since-discarded dreams, visions, or long-term goals (perhaps not so much discard as disregarded, I guess), are exhausting in their demands on me. And these new goals will serve as obstacles on the path towards growth and development in life ahead.

I'm tired enough to want to stop being in the near-constant state of self-reflection I used to be in. That was where everything in life, all experiences, could be rationalised, analysed, philosophised on. Right now it seems I operate only on a certain level of consciousness, shallower, less introspective, taking on whatever circumstances throw in my face.

I used to only live in the past or the future. Always ruminating on possibilities and regrets. There was always some vision to look forward to, vague and un-reachable in the distance, yet fascinating, always worth more thought, more thought.

Now, I live in the present. In the moment. And it seems I've stopped thinking so much. All those visions of the future have disappeared into a blank void, creating a strange, serene uneasiness in my psyche.

I feel lost.

Eyebrow-raising activities on my dead-end street Part 2

I live on a dead-end street.
It's dark and looks ominous at night.
Stumpy unidentifiable trees line the sides of this dead-end street.
Bats live in these trees and live happily off their fruit.

This dead-end street attracts some drivers to indulge in illegal parking.
I guess they think it's safe and unnoticeable.

Well, just parking your cars on our dead-end street is acceptable. Barely, though.
The residents here (the neighbours and my family) aren't mean enough to scratch warning messages on your cars or get them wheel-clamped or towed.
But still, the street itself can be considered our collective private property; even the church next door needs to get our mass approval before their congregational members get to park here.

Anyway, we'll shut one eye to the strange cars left parked there from time to time.

Additional activities, though, get attention, folks.
I know we live in a rather straight-laced society and doing anything naughty is really really exciting.
Plus in this case you throw in the danger factor of being caught.
It's illegal to tint car windows in Singapore, isn't it, so there isn't much privacy to consider when you stop your vehicle and indulge in some hanky panky.
If it's in the dead of night, say 2 a.m., well, yeah, it's probably fine, if you park in a dark and shadowed spot. The probability rate of you getting spotted by anyone walking by is really low.
But in broad daylight at 9 a.m.?!

Isn't it just gawdamn uncomfortable to engage in oral sex in the front seats? You've got so many things in the way...handbrake, gearstick, armrest, etc...

And parked right next to a church, too.

Do we pity the blowjob-giver here, admire the couple's sheer bravado, or despise them for shamelessness?

Just my luck for bumping into this scenario twice.