walls of fear collapse inwards

memories or half-truths in the mind bring forth the most torment

i used to be an excellent student, was i not?

one of those typical over-achievers, top 10% individuals in the population, just getting by without being prodigious, yet within the 'special' stream

i curse that system now, wish it could have damaged less, constructed more, because now I have nothing left to salvage, for all my pathetic learning has given me nothing, no joy, no satisfaction, only the knowing that there will always be that grinding defeat of judgement from elders and peers who can never accept nor understand.

and still i ask why.

why do I build these walls of self-pity, of horrifying doubts, fears, neurosis and paralysing paranoia, when now so many windows of opportunity appear to open of their own accord?

why can I not move my hideous body, force my hideous face to express appreciation and happiness at the gifts and blessings heaped upon my head?

why this sorrow? this overwhelming lethargy, this dead weight that is the irony of living, the hollow fullness of rotting burden, mutating, expanding, consuming, trapped in my core, eating its way outwards...

i am trapped in myself, my disgusting form, this disgusting life, and all the guilt and regret and pressures from everywhere could simply crush me into shit, and who will care?

at least as shit one could fertilise the growth of beautiful things, of living things that seem to bear more purpose being alive.

this is not failure, not quite, or i am in denial, refusing to confess or admit my weakness...yet it is defeat.

my struggle grows every new day into the demon who is eating my heart alive, burying my willpower, my spirit, my motivations and desires to create, in nothing, nothing more than a television screen.

and i will sit, inanimate, and watch these globalised sorrows play out in the small box, just as mine boil and bubble, roll and grind, in the walls of my flesh.

let me lie still and forget...who will purge this decay from me?