There is no time, and friendship at work is a scam

I am tired, and depressed, and I feel like an alien.
Work is not working. I am not coping.
Sometimes I muse that I deserve to be left alone.
Do these people even care? Maybe Pin's right, I care for them more than I should.
Colleagues cannot be friends.

Then I ask myself, what about my own friends? Is that all a scam too?

What kind of a loner am I?

Breakaway running

Let me break away for a while
Let me run into some foreign place
Sit a while and drift my mind
Submerge the self in a little peace:
Unconditional calm

Let me run free, a broken shard
Splintered from an unknown source or space
Forgetting my despised pain
Losing all senses in rushed euphoria -
Because fools run away

Broken fools run away

I. A.M. C.A.L.M. Integrating Anger Management: Critical Analysis, Lucid Mentality

I. A.M. C.A.L.M could also stand for Ignoring Anger Management: Cultivating Anal Loser Mindsets.

It's been a bad week, overall. Kept getting chewed up, screwed, battered and figuratively spat on. I suppose for someone more fragile and vulnerable, all this shit combined warrants some sort of emotional breakdown during the weekend. I simply do not have that option.

I am quite literally leading a double life now, and struggling with it. It's tiring and very bad for the creative juices. And the frustration building up inside, which probably will never find an outlet, is becoming an emotional tumour, festering cancerous. I'm not sure how to deal with it.

In the bathroom I hit the walls and stamp the floor like a madwoman, but even that is insufficient venting. If I could I would fling my whole body against the wall, but it would probably create a mess.

My left leg is in pain, or numb, and sometimes I suspect it belongs to someone else. Perhaps the emotional angst is manifesting itself as physical pain, proving to myself ever so obviously that this hidden problem could literally cripple me. But I continue to limp along anyway.

There's the future to think about. It's not going to be easy or smooth-sailing, I know. But even if I lose my limbs or am heading down some path of self-destruction masquerading as self-fulfilment, I have to persist.

I have to persist, keep my head up, keep my strength together and my energy high, and stop succumbing to the vicious cycle of compromise and loss.

I have to be calm.