I. A.M. C.A.L.M. Integrating Anger Management: Critical Analysis, Lucid Mentality

I. A.M. C.A.L.M could also stand for Ignoring Anger Management: Cultivating Anal Loser Mindsets.

It's been a bad week, overall. Kept getting chewed up, screwed, battered and figuratively spat on. I suppose for someone more fragile and vulnerable, all this shit combined warrants some sort of emotional breakdown during the weekend. I simply do not have that option.

I am quite literally leading a double life now, and struggling with it. It's tiring and very bad for the creative juices. And the frustration building up inside, which probably will never find an outlet, is becoming an emotional tumour, festering cancerous. I'm not sure how to deal with it.

In the bathroom I hit the walls and stamp the floor like a madwoman, but even that is insufficient venting. If I could I would fling my whole body against the wall, but it would probably create a mess.

My left leg is in pain, or numb, and sometimes I suspect it belongs to someone else. Perhaps the emotional angst is manifesting itself as physical pain, proving to myself ever so obviously that this hidden problem could literally cripple me. But I continue to limp along anyway.

There's the future to think about. It's not going to be easy or smooth-sailing, I know. But even if I lose my limbs or am heading down some path of self-destruction masquerading as self-fulfilment, I have to persist.

I have to persist, keep my head up, keep my strength together and my energy high, and stop succumbing to the vicious cycle of compromise and loss.

I have to be calm.