I Am My Own Greatest Enemy

Everything begins to fade to grey, beyond what can be seen and heard and touched and tasted. As though the meaning in life and in being alive can actually be bleached away, like a simple chemical reaction.

Certain thoughts strike my consciousness suddenly, their sporadic impulse to surface completely outside my jurisdiction. If even I cannot control my own thoughts, then I must indeed be losing my sense of self, or giving in to a subconscious that is threatening to kill me.

Looking back at some stuff I wrote before, I realise that I have once again returned to a damned spot (or perhaps I have never really left it!) And that I am my own captor. How does one break free from oneself?

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CLAUSTROPHOBIA

I am trapped.
Threading on dust, despair weighing heavy on my back.
The world is closing in on me.
What once were my hopes, the bright vision of my dreams, my future
Those mental images have begun to die
As though I look through a stained screen at them, helpless as they fade.
I will never understand why part of my heart trembles to know how I am falling,
And yet part of me sees with all rationality the righteousness in conformity.
I have walked, trying to take my mind off these troubled thoughts
Of escape, of completely leaving all that I have done these 3 years, more.
As though part of me will never find fulfillment, never find satisfaction in my own deeds.

Why this awareness, this wretched form of rumination?
I will never understand how
I stand in my own way to happiness, to joy
That strange light and darkness that seduces, eludes, and forever enchants
In a spell that cannot be broken
And thus my entanglement tightens, and the depression
Rises and falls in a cycle that bewails its own fate even as
Somewhere within the masochist moans in pleasure…