Stabbing around in the dark searching for a compass...

...and inevitably I impale myself.

Frankly, I am amazed by my own foolhardiness.

Stupidity, rashness, impulsiveness, insensitivity, inflexibility, wilfulness, stubborn-ness...what more?

Yes, I am simply operating on an automaton's level. Seems like both my IQ and my EQ have rotted beyond numerical definition. And I am ashamed at how I have fallen into this state of mental/intellectual/emotional numbness, like some dumb bimbo who doesn't have a hair's breadth of an idea what she's doing. Just alive, just alive, not living.

I cannot forget him. Too many people seem to have the same name, seem to have some similar facial features...what the hell. And I am going to let the other one down.

I really don't know what I'm doing with my life, where I'm going, and how I'm going to get anything vaguely resembling goal-fulfilment done. And when.

This is pathetic.

I broke down in tears in front of my boss today. He was going to fire me after one too many transgressions and I was ready to be fired. Suddenly the remorse and guilt took over, because I knew how good all these people are and how much they do like me, and how much I have let them down. So I cried like some weak little school-girl being reprimanded for her stupid narrow-minded shallow crimes, or like some petty criminal facing a few strokes of the cane.

I used to believe that I was stronger than this.

I used to believe that I knew what I wanted and where I was headed, and how I was going to achieve all that.

All it took to derail all this was you.

What the fuck.

At least wish me a happy birthday.