It's been a long verbal emptiness for 2 months, a strangely comfortable void among the morphing spaces within my so-called intellect. Funny how one can think in pure visuals without words, sort of like lyric-less MTV. The scary thing is how we, the X/Y/IT generation - whatever you refer to us (the TV/Internet savvy generation) as - tend to have thought processes eerily akin to what we have grown up watching: jerky, randomised visuals arranged to form messages, priming our brains to draw meaning from all the pre-wired cues learnt through repetitive flashes of sound and image.
Are we more brainwashed than we will ever know? Ignorance is bliss, then.
Anyway, I'm just being distracted and rambling, as usual.
The points I originally wanted to record through this post were:
1. about how my personal happiness levels right now are surreal yet ambiguously bittersweet...
2. commentary about the death of a figure of authority who had a huge impact on my life, psychologically, emotionally, and literally, a teacher who broke my spirit and killed my youth...
3. musings about living 2 lives in 2 countries and how the twain shalt never meet, and how that distresses me...
4. how love is blissful, of course...
5. and nostalgia, and how some memories flood back in a strange way...
Well then. As my thought processes have gone distinctly Powerpoint Presentation-like...
Part 1+3+4:
As always, love casts a glow over all aspects of life, and as long as he's around and near, it seems like things will always turn out alright and I will be able to laugh heartily and be carefree.
Being away in AU makes life so much harder, simply because being alone and having to deal personally with all problems without having any support system to fall back on, be it physically or emotionally, truly renders one helpless and depressed sometimes. Distance does cause pain, that is something we cannot deny. Loneliness equals vulnerability as well. Friends are not dependable - who wants to always have to listen to a whining, whinging yapper - so in the end everything falls back onto one's lousy shoulders.
I have a separated life, something exacted by choice, the burden of which is solely mine, and in both lives I seem to be unable to truly belong. Maybe my mind or psyche is coming apart, struggling to cope with what I cannot control. In each life there are deep-seated issues that cause way too much distress to explain in so many words. I escape from one to the other but find no balance. When it boils down to the core of all this internal turmoil - me - what can I do for myself to improve the situation? Other than grit my teeth and find the raw inner willpower, blind faith, instinctive drive for survival and just the bloody guts to break through, I'm pretty much trapped on both grounds, though on different terms and conditions.
Right now my guts are lurching, my willpower seems to be drowning in a sludge-pit of depression and tears, and I just wish so hard that flat pictures and memories of bliss can help me to pull through, even as they remind me of the emptiness and foolish self-inflicted loneliness I have here and now.
In the end, I guess this much is factual about being human. We want substance, accountability, tangible material things that we can count and relish, and really it's all bullshit we come up with to make ourselves look "professional" and powerful, a cover-up for the shallowness of our lives where we resolutely sidestep deep thought about how exactly we are treating each other. So we can be as cruel, heartless and uncaring as all the grey areas in morals and ethics can allow, so that we can kill each other for personal glory, so that we can put down another to proclaim superiority.
And all this reminds me of Mrs Leicester, who is dead!
Death is the great "equaliser" of man, is it not? Death makes all man either ash or fertiliser. Does that not mean that perhaps the higher powers simply impose Life upon us as a great extended joke, a game in a game, one that we play against each other, within one where They play us?
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